I Can Can

Yesterday I entered a new dimension of life. Canning. Oh, I've canned before. Long ago I made pickles and recently I've canned mustard and jelly. But that was nothing compared to canning peaches. That other stuff was fluff. The activity of pussies. I could do jelly and mustard blindfolded now. Canning peaches is work for the big boys. There are lots of really tough jobs out there; police officers, firemen, terrorists, drug dealers, HA!!!! I laugh at them now. Canning peaches is a job for the truly brave. Now I know why everyone isn't doing this. I also know why you usually see grannies and moms and aunts and daughters all standing around the kitchen canning together. Canning is the original bitch fest. Or at least the original girl's night out where lots of drinks were consumed while you trashed your husbands and boyfriends. How else could this work be endured? I started early. I knew I was in for a long day. I got myself organized, turned on tv and settled in. I finished watching the morning news, then Rachael Raye, The View, the noon news, a bad Keanu Reeves movie and the most recent episode of True Blood for the 4th time. I started out very carefully saving as much of each precious peach as possible. I carefully cut around each bruise and sliced the peaches evenly. Sometime during Keanu I snapped. If I saw the tiniest little dent the peach got tossed. During the few short breaks I took a marker to the sweet smiling woman on the canning jars box and gave her a beard and horns. How dare she smile while canning? Language better not infuse fruit because if it absorbed what I was muttering we are all headed to hell when we eat these. Steam is supposed to be good for your skin so I expected to look 10 years younger at the end of the day. That didn't happen. I just looked like someone dumped a bucket of water over my head. I started having visions of sitting on my front porch and throwing peaches at people walking home from work. I want a real job that pays real money like them. After blanching and peeling and slicing and stirring and cooking and jarring 25 pounds of peaches I ended up with 11 quarts. I wanted to spit. But then something happened. Every time I walked into the kitchen those little jars of peaches were smiling at me. And I could hear the ping, ping, ping as they sealed. I felt like I had given birth except I expect the peaches to be much better behaved than my kids. I am the octomom plus 3! Those sweet little jars were warm and cute. Maybe it wasn't so bad afterall! I guess I'll can the other 25 pounds tomorrow. Thank god I only have one tree. And now I know why you only do this once a year. It takes that long to forget how horrible it is.
I was too tired to even make them look neater!


Farmgirl_dk: said…
snort!!! This was SO funny!!! Very well written. I giggled out loud when I got to the part about you taking the marker to the lady's face. And your visualization of throwing peaches at people walking by on the street...ha!!
I guess now's not the right time to tell you I don't know how to can and I really want to learn this year, huh? I'll tell you one thing, though, I'm not going to start out with peaches! :-)
Pricilla said…
I love peaches but you are right about the work. Our neighbor let me in their orchard after they take what they want. I love peaches but the hubby does not so I can what I want for myself.
I remember watching my Mom can fruit when I was a little girl. It was a huge, huge production. So much work! Hats off to you!
Touchatou said…
Too funny, dear ! I love too the marker moment ! lollollol

I was so horrified with the task of caaning that I bought myself a book 2 years ago : Small Batch Preserving ! I am canning, but 2 jars at a time ! hihihi
The Frog Queen said…
LOL! I can can...oh, I had to read a post with that heading. Very funny, made me laugh!

Anonymous said…
OMG, OMG, OMG! That is so frikking funny, I nearly peed my pants! I cannot even agree with you enough about this - canning peaches S.U.C.K.S. In fact, it is very nearly enough of a pain in the arse to negate all the joy derived from opening a jar of summery sunshiney peaches in December...
Almost, but not quite! :)
Anonymous said…
lol i asked for canning stuff for my bday coming up, maybe i should have sticked to my usual request....a pony!
You really can can.... good work!!
~ bangchik
greekwitch said…
Yaouts! Thank Goddess it is over! You should take the rest of the year off! Blessings!
Ancel said…
Brilliant! What a post. Love it. I can just imagine people walking home from work getting splatted by a slightly bruised peach and hearing a loud cackle of derisively laughter coming from a nearby porch. Congratulations for all your labour, and the strength to sit through a bad Keanu Reeves movie. Enjoy those little brutes this winter!
:-) You really can wrire something awful to sound as fun :-) I laughed a lot!
I hope I one day can write that I have canned nectarines over here, at least one nectarine :-)
Have a great day now!
Anonymous said…
I am way late on posting, but I just had to tell you how much your post cracked me up, LOL!

I also have to tell you that you are way more woman than me cause I just don't think I have what it takes to can ;o)
This was a fabulous post! Very well written and it felt like being right there with you. Those had better be the best damn peaches EVER! :o)